Write down what you’re actually agreeing to.

Saying where you stand before you are asked. It costs far less than the repair afterwards.

Suggested when Reassurance offered before it's asked for costs far less than repair afterwards.

We agree that reassurance offered before it is requested costs less than repair afterwards. Each of us will proactively say where we are and when we will be back when apart for an extended period, and neither of us will treat the other's need for reassurance as a failing. Where one of us asks whether we are all right, the other will answer directly rather than treating the question as an accusation.

Time apart, with a stated return. Space is a legitimate need; withdrawing without a marker is what does the damage.

Suggested when Space is a legitimate need; unannounced withdrawal is what does the damage.

Either of us may ask for time alone without justifying the request. Whoever asks will say roughly how long they need and will make contact when they return. We agree that what we are avoiding is withdrawal without a marker, not the withdrawal itself.

A word either of you can say to stop. Past a certain point an argument stops being productive and starts causing damage.

Suggested when Arguments past a certain point stop being productive and start causing damage.

We agree a word either of us may use to pause an argument. When it is used, both of us stop within one minute, without a final word. We will return to the subject within twenty-four hours — the pause is not a way to end a conversation permanently, and neither of us will use it to avoid a topic indefinitely.

A way back that does not need one of you to concede or be blamed.

Suggested when Repair currently risks depending on someone conceding or being blamed.

Repair does not require one of us to be the guilty party. Either of us can initiate repair without that being an admission of fault, and neither of us will wait for the other to move first as a matter of principle. Each of us will name our own part rather than cataloguing the other's.

Raising it while it is small. Unspoken things do not disappear; they arrive later, larger, attached to something else.

Suggested when Unspoken things don't disappear; they arrive later, larger, and attached to something else.

We agree that an unspoken need is not the other person's failure to notice. Each of us takes responsibility for saying what we need at low intensity, early, rather than waiting until it is urgent — and each of us undertakes to receive those statements without treating them as criticism.

Time and friendships that stay yours. A relationship carrying the whole weight of one person’s steadiness is under more strain than it can hold well.

Suggested when A relationship carrying the whole weight of someone's stability is under more strain than it can hold well.

Each of us maintains a life outside this relationship — friendships, interests and commitments that are ours alone — and we will each actively encourage the other's, including when we would rather have the time together. We will say so out loud if either of our independent worlds starts to shrink.

Offered rather than asked for. Information extracted under suspicion does not build trust; information offered freely does.

Suggested when Information offered freely builds trust; information extracted under suspicion does not.

We agree that openness offered freely is worth more than access demanded. Each of us will volunteer relevant information rather than waiting to be asked. Equally, neither of us is entitled to monitor the other's phone, messages or location as a condition of this relationship — transparency is something each of us chooses to give, not something either of us takes.

What neither of you will look at. Checking escalates quietly and corrodes the trust it is trying to secure.

Suggested when Vigilance is high enough that checking behaviours are a realistic risk. They escalate quietly and corrode the trust they are trying to secure.

Checking behaviours — reading messages, tracking location without consent, questioning that functions as interrogation, or requiring proof of whereabouts — are not part of this relationship. If either of us feels the urge towards these, we will say so out loud rather than act on it, and treat that as a signal to seek outside support rather than a request the other must satisfy.

When you would bring somebody in, agreed while neither of you needs to. No agreement is a substitute for it.

Suggested when One or more scores fall in a range where professional support would materially help. No agreement can substitute for it.

Some things are bigger than a relationship can hold on its own. Seeking individual or couples counselling is a sign of taking this seriously rather than a sign of failure. Neither of us will treat the other's decision to seek support as a betrayal, and either of us may suggest it without that being an insult.

Slowing a decision on purpose, when momentum may be outrunning judgement.

Suggested when Combined intensity is high enough that momentum may be outrunning judgement.

We will move at a pace we can each assess clearly, and either of us may ask to slow down without that being a withdrawal of commitment. Major decisions — living together, finances, long-term commitments — will be revisited when calm rather than settled during an intense phase.

What happens when one of you says something hard. The clause that makes the rest of the document safe to complete honestly.

Suggested when Recommended for every couple. This is the clause that makes the rest of the document safe to complete honestly.

Anything either of us shares in vulnerability — fears, history, shortcomings, or answers given in these assessments — will never be used in an argument, during it or afterwards. Breaking this is a serious matter between us, not a minor lapse.

Saying no without it being a rupture. Most quiet resentment starts as an agreement somebody did not mean.

Suggested when Recommended for every couple. Most quiet resentment starts as an agreement someone didn't mean.

A 'no' from either of us is a complete answer requiring no justification, and neither of us will punish the other — through withdrawal, coldness or persistence — for declining something. We accept that we will sometimes want different things, and that this is ordinary rather than a threat to us.

Whose friends and family you take on, and how much.

Suggested when Social isolation scores suggest one of you may feel like an outsider in the other's wider world.

We agree to build a shared social world rather than maintaining separate ones by default. Each of us will actively include the other in our friendships and family life, and will notice and say so if either of us starts to feel like a guest in the other's world.

What you are not going to be for each other, said out loud.

Suggested when Unrelenting-standards scores suggest a bar that neither of you can consistently meet.

We agree that neither of us will be held to a standard of never getting it wrong. Mistakes, off days, and ordinary failures are part of what we are signing up for. We will each notice when we are being more critical — of the other or of ourselves — than the situation warrants, and say so.

The things about each of you that are not going to change, and what you do about them.

Suggested when Entitlement scores suggest constraints from a partner may be experienced as unreasonable impositions.

We agree that each of us has the right to set limits, and that a limit is not an attack. Neither of us will negotiate, wear down, or work around a boundary the other has set, and we will each take a stated limit at face value the first time.